The Way I Used To Be by Amber Smith is a hard hitting, emotional contemporary young adult book. I kick myself a little bit for how long it has sat on my shelf, because although it was a difficult read, it was excellent. As it turns out, I ended up picking up this book after seeing a non-book internet friend from college post about it on her Facebook stories. It was kind of a jolt and a good reminder that I have this book and really did need to read it rather than let it languish. I am so glad I did.
Eden was always a good girl. She is a freshman in band, joins clubs and gets good grades. As The Way I Used To Be opens, we can see that all of this changes. The catalyst for the change is when Eden is raped by her brother’s best friend Kevin while her brother and Kevin are home from college. Kevin tells Eden no one will believe her and if she does end up telling, he will kill her.
So, Eden keeps what happens a secret. She’s dying for someone to ask her what is wrong but no one does. The book goes from Eden’s freshman year, all the way through her senior year, and we, the reader, see the impact of the trauma on Eden.
So, I’ve been in the non-profit, mental health field for years. And so, I came to The Way I Used To Be with a trauma informed lens as I read. Let me tell you, this book is a difficult read. What happens to Eden is horrific. And she acts out of that trauma. Her choices aren’t exactly the best. But, if you think about it, she feels that she is worthless, ugly and terrible.
Eden acts recklessly and dangerously but you can see why as you read. It’s her way of coping, particularly because she doesn’t really have healthy coping skills. I will also say that the ending felt really cathartic and I am glad for the resolution. This book is painful, yes, but also honest, poignant, and worthwhile.
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