I’d like to welcome Kendare Blake and let her take over my blog to present to you this THROWDOWN OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!
Throwdown! With Kendare Blake: Werewolves Jacob Black vs. Michael Jackson in Thriller
Well well. Here we are again. This is the second Throwdown post and giveaway. The first was hosted by Shanyn over at Chick Loves Lit, and focused on vampires. So in this Throwdown, I’m going to focus on that mythical beastie who always plays second fiddle to those damned pretty boys with pale faces and pointy teeth: Werewolves. Cast your vote in the comments for a chance to win a $20 Barnes and Noble gift card. Now let’s get it on.
Werewolf #1: Michael Jackson
So you’re in a car with Michael Jackson and accuse him of running out of gas on purpose. Which is ridiculous, because MJ would totally not do that. Anyway, you get out and walk, and he asks you to go steady. Which is ridiculous because MJ would totally not do that. Just then the moon pops out. MJ moans, drips slime, grows claws and hair, and winds up looking like the thing in the cave from the Neverending Story.
You’d run from it. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t. That shit is scary.
Werewolf #2: Jacob Black
Jacob Black. To the casual, non-Twilight-reading viewer, he appears to be a normal Native American boy. He obviously lacks a little sense, because there are really no suitable days to not wear a shirt in Western Washington, but really, he looks pretty normal. Then you piss him off. Maybe by being a vampire. Maybe by insinuating that Bella Swan has cankles. The transformation is instant, no full moon necessary.  It’s more like roid rage, and then out pops a gigantic…wolf.
Look at that face! Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good booyy? Yes you are! *Sigh* Somebody get me a really big Frisbee.
Frankly, I don’t know what all this Team Jacob and Team Edward fuss was about. The choice is simple. Do you want to sparkle in sunlight or do you want to win the Iditarod dogsled race every. Single. Year.
Wolf to wolf, it’s pretty clear that Jacob would tear Michael in half in fang to fang combat. It’d be a sad spectacle of yips, and oohs and high-pitched “hee hee’s†and afterwards there’d be nothing but a shredded Letterman jacket and my empty soul. But who said this was a fang to fang throwdown? No one. And the minute it changes to a dance-off, Jacob is screwed.
The Dudes
Michael: Look, he sang Thriller, okay? And Billie Jean. And Beat it. And he invented the moonwalk. He’s been wooing young women since his ABC’s and 123’s, and more girls have thrown themselves at him than can logically be accounted for. Meanwhile when Jacob Black kisses someone he gets punched in the face. However, unfortunately for Michael, he looked like he was just punched in the face most of the time:
Oh, that’s ignorant…Don’t be ignorant…Get in my wishing tree. SHAMON!
Jacob: He’s played by Taylor Lautner. Here he is in the first movie:
He looks nice. Could even be in a band or something. But apparently in between Twilight and New Moon they realized that Jacob shouldn’t have better hair than Bella and contacted the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
And it turned out like this:
Well, okay. But what is that collar about? Is there a Secret Saturday Night Fever remake going on? Why wasn’t I told?!
The Swoon Factor:
Jacob: He’ll be really devoted, and always concerned about what is better for you. Of course he will always be certain that HE is what is better for you. But he’ll do things just to see you smile, and every so often, he’ll bring you a dead thing and leave it on your doorstep.
Michael: He’ll build you an amusement park, and you can touch his monkey. He’ll always walk you home after scary movies, and if along the way he becomes undead and has to try to eat you, he’ll give you a head start that’s approximately the length of a bitchin choreographed dance routine.
Noteworthy Romantic Lines:
Jacob: It would have been effortless for us- comfortable, easy as breathing…if the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic.
Michael: Now is the time! For you and I to cuddle close together! Girl…All through the night! I’ll save you from the terror on the screen, I’ll make you see…That this is THRILLER!! Thriller night! And I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try.
I trust you all see the winner in the Romantic Line category. SHAMON! *crotchgrab*
The Verdict
So there it is, Good Books and Good Wine readers. It’s up to you now to cast your vote. But before you do, the boys would like one last chance to win your hearts.
Jorts!
Hey. Hey look at me there. I’m SO ripped. I bet if you wobble your computer screen you can make my pecs dance. So vote for me. Wink, wink, pec twitch. Yeah. How you doin? (Author interference: Michael can’t be this outgunned, and don’t say something dumb like “welcome to the gun showâ€, Lautner! Voters, try picturing this outfit with knee high black socks. There. Scales almost even.)
And now for a sexy photo of Michael.
No seriously. This was sexy in the early 80’s. Apparently that was…ahem…a very sexy, sexy time.
Okay, April back. That was THE BEST guest post evar!!
So kids, who would win? Jacob or Michael, let me know your pick in the comments to win a $20 B&N giftcard.
About the Author:
Kendare Blake is an import from South Korea who was raised in the United States by caucasian parents. You know, that old chestnut. She received a Bachelor’s degree in Business from Ithaca College and a Master’s degree in Writing from Middlesex University in London. She brakes for animals, the largest of which was a deer, which sadly didn’t make it, and the smallest of which was a mouse, which did, but it took forever. Amongst her likes are Greek Mythology, rare red meat and veganism. She also enjoys girls who can think with the boys like Ayn Rand, and boys who scare the morality into people, like Bret Easton Ellis.
Kendare is the author of Anna Dressed In Blood, a 2011 YA Debut.
- Anna Dressed In Blood
Cas Lowood has inherited an unusual vocation: He kills the dead.
So did his father before him, until he was gruesomely murdered by a ghost he sought to kill. Now, armed with his father’s mysterious and deadly athame, Cas travels the country with his kitchen-witch mother and their spirit-sniffing cat. Together they follow legends and local lore, trying to keep up with the murderous dead—keeping pesky things like the future and friends at bay.
When they arrive in a new town in search of a ghost the locals call Anna Dressed in Blood, Cas doesn’t expect anything outside of the ordinary: track, hunt, kill. What he finds instead is a girl entangled in curses and rage, a ghost like he’s never faced before. She still wears the dress she wore on the day of her brutal murder in 1958: once white, now stained red and dripping with blood. Since her death, Anna has killed any and every person who has dared to step into the deserted Victorian she used to call home.
But she, for whatever reason, spares Cas’s life.
Find Kendare Blake on the internets:
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Hm, gonna have to say Jacob will win this one. In a dance off Michael might win if it were up to dancing skills, but I’m guessing it wouldn’t last too long before Jacob lost patience and just wolfed out right then and there. Sorry, MJ.
I mean, it’s pretty clear- in a straight fight Jacob the wolf has got to win (he’s bigger then a bear! He can kill vampires! He was born for this!)- but you can’t underestimate the prowess of MJ and his dancing skills. He may be able to evade Jacob through a series of dance moves which, of course, will include the moonwalk-spin-crotchgrab sequence. Plus, you know, givent aht he’s dead and all I’d imagine he could just poof and evade the wolf that way… So even though Jacob is the winner of brute force alone- I’ll take MJ as the ultimate winner!
I am definitely going to have to go with Jacob! While MJ is scary, Jacob just looks way more vicious!
If Michael was still alive and back to his old “Thriller” self, I might vote for him. My last impression of him was creeptastic, though, so my vote’s gotta go to Jacob. He’s got a hot bod, okay? #shallow
I’m really torn – if I go with Michael I betray my age, if I go with Jacob I look like a dirty old lady.
Hmmm…. alright, pecs win over jheri curls. I have to feel needed, and if Michael sees my dance moves he’ll know that he’s superior to me. Jacob – I think I can give him a run for his money in the raised hackles category.
I concur on the hackles. Seen ’em.
“Is there a Secret Saturday Night Fever remake going on?” This whole post just kills me, hilarious. I’m voting for Jacob because MJ may be awesome, but then he got super crazy… and that’s scary, but not in a werewolf kind of way.
BWAHAHAHAA
I love this!
Oh god, who would win, though… If this was early Michael, with no creepy pic of him, then I would say Michael, but as soon as THAT NOSE makes an appearance…
Jacob it is.
Haha – love it!
If we can time warp this contest back to the eighties it’s hands down MJ – not only for his glory days as the King of Pop but for the simple fact that Lautner wasn’t even born yet. Wolf to wolf, I suppose we have to give it to Jacob Black unless you can throw in the Vincent Price narration and creepy laughter at the end of the Thriller video with MJ in which case even the most massive werewolf would have its hair standing on end.
I laughed so hard. I nearly spit coffee all over the monitor. I am at a loss for who to vote for though. Valid points for each.
Dude! DEFINITELY Michael Jackson! Am I the first? Combine his kick-butt vocal performance in… well, everything with Vincent Price’s ballin’ Mufasa-ish narration in Thriller… Now compare that to Jacob Black’s speaking voice:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYO0vApvx20
Okay, so that trailer has some really awesome dramatic music. But the VOICE. *cringe*
Mmhmm, so, yup. I won’t stop ’til I get enough. Of the man in the mirror. Who is a smooooooth criminal. You can’t beat it.
(Awesome post, by the way. Lots of giggling involved :P)
I vote for Michael because of this line:
“if along the way he becomes undead and has to try to eat you, he’ll give you a head start that’s approximately the length of a bitchin choreographed dance routine.”
Love Kendare and her antics! Or throwdowns. Both.
That is so funny!! Haha! I’m probably going to have to go with Jacob on this one, just because he really IS a werewolf, and however cool MJ used to be, he got really creepy…
Jacob has teh abs of steel. Abs always win.
*whispers* I’ve always thought MJ was overrated anyways…
Jacob for sure. I find it much more attractive. 🙂
Well. If it was zombie MJ, he might be able to take Jacob. Or live MJ could possibly scare Jacob away (Jake’s under 18 right?) with his creepiness. BUT Jacob is going to win hands-down…unless Bella walks by and distracts him. Oh dear, I think my final choice is MJ!