“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”
–The Perks of Being a Wallflower ~ Stephen Chbosky

 
Dear Charlie,

Life is strange sometimes. You can laugh at that because it sounds pretty cliché but it’s also very true. Life is also very unpredictable. I know that you know this better than anyone. You had so many things happen to you that you never expected thanks to your friends and your family. Some of these things were good. Others of them were bad. But regardless of what they were, they still happened, and they still impacted you in some way.

This is a level that I can relate to you on. Things have happened in my life that I really did not expect. I never expected to be part of a book review blog which has been a blessing in disguise. I never expected to be working with the elderly when I became an adult but honestly it has also been a blessing in disguise. I never expected to still be friends with the same people I met in pre-school or kindergarten but I am. I never expected to get my master’s degree and not know what to do with it but I did and I’m still trying to figure it out. Most importantly, I never expected to do all that I am doing without my dad being a part of it.

My dad passed away on June 20^th, 2008 from complications from major back surgery. He had hurt his back in the late 80’s while he was working. He had surgery to fix the problem (so they thought) and returned back to his life as normal. After a long period of time, he started having back problems again. They started out small but soon grew bigger and more painful. He wound up having two more surgeries which elevated the pain for a period of time but ultimately did not solve the problem. It was time for more drastic measures, and it was recommended that my dad go and see a well-known neurosurgeon who recommended a complete reconstruction of my dad’s spinal column. It was a risky move and something that was to be done with the utmost caution and concentration but ultimately it was something that had to be done.

At the end of the day, my dad’s body could not handle the necessary surgery. It had been through enough in its life, and it was ready to let go. I think in a way that my dad knew it too. It was in the way that he prepared for the surgery, the things that he did which didn’t really hold any significance at the time but now I can’t seem to forget. And as much as it kills me not to have him with me, I know I wouldn’t want my dad to be in the level of pain he was in anymore. He was in pain 24 hours a day, and the pain medications just were not working for him anymore. He wanted more than anything not to be in pain anymore, and I can’t help but be a little thankful that he finally got his wish. Even if it meant him having to leave us.

I love my dad. He was an amazing man, a wonderful father to my brother and I, a loving husband to my mom, and a good friend to those who knew him. He was someone that so many people looked up to including me. He was my hero, and I miss him every single day. His death has impacted me in more ways than I could ever express. There are still times when I see something or hear something and think “I should tell Dad about that!” or “Or Dad would really like that…” and then it hits me and I remember. It has gotten easier though over these past four years and I am so grateful for the time that I had with him. And in many ways, I can still feel with him with me…

Thanks for listening to me.

Love,
Allison